Today I’m going to address something that I’ve been avoiding for a while. While the announcement of my pregnancy brought so much joy to friends and family, there was an instance in which it was suggested that I am inadequate. Inadequate to be a mother. The reasoning, of course, is my disability.
If you’ve read my blogs or followed me for a while, you’ll know that I’m a part time wheelchair user, otherwise I walk with a four wheel rollator. I have a few different conditions which cause fatigue and cause my heart rate to spike when I change position, which means I sit in the shower and had carers to help me for a while. There are days when I’m better than others, and days where I’m worse. While my disability means I have to live differently sometimes, I don’t believe it stops me living or makes my way of life any less valid than anyone else’s.
I also don’t believe it makes my desires any less valid. I have always wanted to be a mother. At first, I was anxious about whether my conditions would affect my ability to carry a child and give birth. I was anxious about whether I’d be able to be a good enough parent. When my nephew was born, I was thrilled to prove to myself that I was able to play with him and didn’t feel my disability holding me back. I even changed a nappy to check that I could!
After chatting to my husband, we decided that there was room in our lives and that we were ready to have a little one of our own. I didn’t stop the prep there though… I researched other disabled parents, tips and tricks, specialised equipment. I didn’t stop until I felt confident that I could solve any problem my disability threw at my ability to be a mother.
What I’m trying to explain here, which I really shouldn’t have to, is that I didn’t go into this thoughtlessly. But in the end, it really shouldn’t make a difference. Parenting doesn’t come with a guide book, there isn’t a course you can do, there’s no governing body to qualify you to become a mother. None of us, disabled or not, are prepared. None of us know what we’re doing. No one is ready to become a mother until they do. The difference is that most people aren’t expected to justify that decision and aren’t immediately assumed to be about to fail.
People with disabilities have the same human rights as anyone else…because we’re humans. We have goals and desires and dislikes the same as anyone else. We have families, friends, jobs, homes. We are surprisingly capable and manage symptoms on a daily basis and continue living our lives regardless. We have adjusted, sometimes the way we do lives looks a bit different, but it’s no less valid. We are no less worthy.
I am going to be a mother and I am determined to be a great one. I’m going to raise a kind hearted child who understands and celebrates difference and my child is not going to have a worse time than a kid with able-bodied parents. I didn’t want to share this, but I woke up this morning feeling awful and thought to myself, if there’s even one other person out there who needs to hear that their disability doesn’t make them less worthy of achieving their goals or living the life that they want, then I need to share this.
You are not inadequate. You are worthy and deserving of living the life that you want. Disability stops us doing some things and changes the way we do others, but this doesn’t make the life we live or the life we share with a husband or child any less fulfilling than it would otherwise be.
Kayleigh Ackerman 