Permanence.

Suicide.The coward’s way out.  The easy route. Selfish.

If you agree with these terms you’ve probably never experienced feeling as low as someone who’s considering suicide as a valid option. Maybe you’ve lost someone who felt they needed to escape from life and from your point of view they stole themselves away from their loved ones, they deserted you. And they’re never coming back. To a point you’re right because they probably weren’t thinking about the aftermath, or even the distant future.

That’s the thing about suicide. It’s one decision, made at a point in time but lasting forever. It’s permanent.

I’ve made this decision, the decision to leave this world for whatever comes after (which I hoped was nothing). But now that I’ve survived a few years afterwards, I’m glad that I failed in my quest for nothingness.

I was in my darkest moment, a moment more hopeless than I ever imagined was possible. It started when my engagement ended, I had poured all the hopes for my future into the marriage and it was over. In my mind at the time, with the ending of this came the ending of my life – it would never be good again because everything I’d imagined it could be were out of the question.

So I tried to kill myself.

I wrote several notes: for my ex, my parents, my brothers; all asking for forgiveness and with love overflowing from every word. Maybe it was a selfish decision, but in my opinion my family and friends would be better off without me being such a burden on them. It wasn’t a decision made in a moment, I thought about it for a long time – it was a very well organised suicide attempt which probably says something about me as a person.

When I woke up in the hospital I was gutted. I hadn’t planned on waking up at all, and I was not pleased to be alive. There’s another post coming up about the aftermath so I’ll leave it there for now and skip a few years.

We’re two years along the line now, since my last attempt and it’s been a long, difficult journey. But I’m alive. I have a new relationship which makes me very happy, I’m going back to university to study a subject I love, I’m blogging and working on my first novel which is an exciting new venture and I’ve stabilised myself enough to live a normal life. I guess my point is this: if I’d died I would never have known some of the people I know now. I would never have met my new baby cousin or gone to my Aunt’s wedding. I wouldn’t have travelled to Italy and spent time dancing over there on the trip of a lifetime. I wouldn’t have learnt to bake or write.

There is so much joy in my life now which I never expected to have. In that moment all you can see is the pain, it clouds around you in a thick fog of hopelessness – but it’s a lie! There is hope in your future, if only you fight through. If you’re not here, you’ll never get the chance to experience the joy and hope that is waiting for you.

If you’re feeling low please ask for help! Samaritans really helped me, if you feel unable to talk to those around you I’d really recommend giving them a call.

Contact the Samaritans

NHS: contacts for a crisis