Ideas buzz around in my head. They race into one another, crash with the loudest explosion like fireworks and spin off again. None remain in place. Not for long enough to make sense anyway. They’re somehow filled with the promise of hope and I feel compelled to share this with someone, this exciting new venture which I don’t quite understand yet. When someone is here the words tumble from my mouth with no interruption from me, the worlds are thrilled and enthusiastic to be in the world.
But there is no one here so they dance loudly in my mind. I tingle with possibilities and fidget in my bed, the thoughts are dancing and I can’t sit still. It is as though the very oxygen around me twinkles and sings. I see every twirling speck of dust as it shines in the lamplight and hear every silent sound.
So I switch on the light and write. The pen skates over the paper, too fast and my arm aches. But still I write. My mind is in control of me and I’m merely its prisoner. My breath is jumping out in ragged gasps of excitement. My heart is flooded so much joy that it overflows from me into any task I undertake and any conversation I have. I rejoice in the golden heat of sunshine of the percussion of raindrops.I close my eyes to relish the rumbling belly of thunder or the beautiful pink warmth of sun on my eyelids.
I smile at everything and everyone because love has breached the castle of my heart and holds me hostage. All humans must know they are loved and I have to be careful not to hold them too tightly. But I want to. I am no longer whole on my own or perhaps I am more than one. It seems I possess the love of a thousand and it is too much to bear. So I must shout it to the world – YOU ARE LOVED!
I have to move. Dancing or clapping or spinning around. Remaining still is no longer an option. The love and joy will burst out of me if I do not move. I must laugh and shout and dance. I grin so much that my face aches. If I saw someone hurting right now I would give them my whole world.
But maybe they wouldn’t want it. Maybe I’m too much. Too clingy. Too smiley and annoying…
One of the most common symptoms of BPD are the mood swings. We sometimes have these multiple times a day and they can last for a few minutes, hours or even a day or two. I wrote this when I was trying to sleep and couldn’t because of an inconvenient up-swing at bedtime, and thought that by posting it here you would have the chance to get inside my head and understand the illness a bit more. People can think we put these mood swings on for attention, but I want everyone to understand that this isn’t the case – we find them just as irritating as you do!