Sadness breaks into the place that has previously hosted so much joy, and erases any memory of Happiness’ presence. It has partnered with anxiety, guilt and loathing in its quest to take over from a high. It pulls everything out, leaving only a surprisingly physical pain as though my organs themselves are gone. There are explosions in my head as negative thoughts set off bombs on the defences of my mind. The flashes of light are regret, the smoke is every fear I had.
It is as though I am there, in the moment those painful memories were created and I cannot react. I cannot scream STOP or fight back, I am paralysed in the mess of my past. My head feels tight, it might collapse or explode, I’m not sure which.
I hold myself tight, as if I’m an unravelling rug my mum crocheted and I need to keep all the wool together in my arms. This siege will not last for long, I know because I have undergone this invasion a million times. My own thoughts are clouded in the fog of negativity and hurt my brain has created, they are simply a yellow reflection on a curtain of water vapour. I have been shot in the stomach. Stabbed in the heart. My insides have been extracted and my head crushed.
If there is a light ahead, then the tunnel is incredibly long, because I can’t see it. Even if I squint. Even with my glasses. It’d beyond my vision. The faces of those I love are blurred in the roaring river of depression that shouts insults at me, I cannot hear the positive because the river has drowned them. I do not enjoy anything I am just a leaf floating on the surging water and barely staying afloat – how could I enjoy anything when I’m fighting for my life?
I am in a prison and the food they give me is slop. Everything tastes vile and I don’t want it, I don’t want to eat anyway, what would be the point? They want to torture me here forever! The visitors don’t stay long, I’m boring and the prison is ugly and unwelcoming, I can’t see why they would want to stay since they all hate me anyway. Who could love me?
I’d like to encourage anyone out there who is feeling down to keep fighting: in between sieges there will be periods when you’re not corrupted by this monster and you’ll be yourself, even if it’s just for a little while. It’s those times that you fight for. I promise you can win today, and if you can do that then you can win tomorrow! I’m on your side always.